I'm in the closet.

When the summer after my 19th birthday finally rolled around and I found myself still struggling to grow up and finish one last credit to graduate high school, I described the feeling of being locked in a closet to a friend.  She asked me to be very specific and to tell her more about how I felt.  I went on to describe it like this: "It's like everything I want and need is right on the other side of a locked door, but there's a really big keyhole that if I put my eye up to it I can see everything on the other side.  Everything that I keep myself from attaining. There's light, laughter, love maturity, everything that would ease my suffering is on the other side of this locked door. Inside the closet, I have nothing but a horrible feeling of being trapped and knowledge of everything being so very close, if I could just get to it.  I just need someone to hand me the key to the door." 

Why am I writing about stuff that happened half of my life ago?  Because it is where I find myself again today.  Struggling to find the key to the same door.  I did easily get out of my "closet of the mind".  It just took some creative meditation and a very vibrant visualization of me of opening the door and walking out of that closet.  Shortly after, I got my high school diploma, found a religion that works for me, and I even grew up in some very important ways. I needed to write about it to clarify the steps that I took before so that I can take them again and get out of this closet and get back to daily living, not daily existing.  I have so much to live and change for that this feeling is just an indication of all the good stuff just waiting for me,  but I have to be the source of the solution. It sounds a little weird but if you have been where I am, you know that I'm right.  And big change is almost here. 

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