I'm in the closet.

When the summer after my 19th birthday finally rolled around and I found myself still struggling to grow up and finish one last credit to graduate high school, I described the feeling of being locked in a closet to a friend.  She asked me to be very specific and to tell her more about how I felt.  I went on to describe it like this: "It's like everything I want and need is right on the other side of a locked door, but there's a really big keyhole that if I put my eye up to it I can see everything on the other side.  Everything that I keep myself from attaining. There's light, laughter, love maturity, everything that would ease my suffering is on the other side of this locked door. Inside the closet, I have nothing but a horrible feeling of being trapped and knowledge of everything being so very close, if I could just get to it.  I just need someone to hand me the key to the door." 

Why am I writing about stuff that happened half of my life ago?  Because it is where I find myself again today.  Struggling to find the key to the same door.  I did easily get out of my "closet of the mind".  It just took some creative meditation and a very vibrant visualization of me of opening the door and walking out of that closet.  Shortly after, I got my high school diploma, found a religion that works for me, and I even grew up in some very important ways. I needed to write about it to clarify the steps that I took before so that I can take them again and get out of this closet and get back to daily living, not daily existing.  I have so much to live and change for that this feeling is just an indication of all the good stuff just waiting for me,  but I have to be the source of the solution. It sounds a little weird but if you have been where I am, you know that I'm right.  And big change is almost here. 


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What is the problem?   What do I lack that you so desperately need? Why do you have to escape from everything?  You use work to escape from home and me.  You use home as an escape from work.  Do you know how to be present at all? I just don't get it. I must be so closed minded to whatever you are looking for that I can't seem to be any of what you want or need. Am I just not worth the effort?  Cause I can go.  I can give up, if that is what you want.  But I cannot do this over and over and over and over and over again for the rest of my life.


Sorry, Dear. I'll try harder.

  Sometimes I swear you do stuff on purpose just to make me feel like shit.  I am so tired of being made out to look like a bitch so that you can feel better about being an asshole and justify your shitty behavior.  "I have to watch porn. Have you seen what a frigid bitch I'm married to?" "I have to use meth. Have you seen what a lazy bitch I married?"  No, you have never said it out loud.  But, all of your actions and choices speak volumes.  You are "so committed" to the horribly broken bitch you married that everyone else has such pity on you that you can do nothing wrong.  Cause, well, what do you expect from a man who has to deal with "HER" all the time.  I get it.  You don't have anything left for me anymore.  But here's the thing, I deserve better and I know my worth without you.  Your the only one in this marriage that is unaware of what is really going on.  These are the last days of our dying love.  It is so sad.  just so fucking sad.