I want...

I want you to feel my pain.
to be the best reason for you to wake-up in the morning
to be a perfect reason to not stick another needle in your arm.
to see me and look upon me with love in your eyes again.
to be grateful for the gifts of my love and suffering, and recovery.
I want to be perfectly honest with you and tell you how much you are killing me and how much I cannot let you go into the dark night alone without me by your side to fend off the nightmares that haunt your precious mind that I love so dearly.
I would have you hold me again and again and again if you could just help me with this pain that is so heavy and palpable but slips through my fingers with every grasp.
I can not do this alone without you but I keep waking up to you not here in spirit leaving me with your body to do it anyway.
I am so lost in the sea of emotions that I so newly born to.