This is going to hurt.

I am hurting again.  He has chosen to use again.  I try to sleep with all of my might but the pain comes with stillness. I have been busy all day to keep from my wicked mind that torments me with could've, should've, would've and why aren't you's. I am losing the battle to win the war but it feels like utter defeat.  I hear the words that say his decision is not a reflection of me or him but only of the disease.  I have no power.  The only thing that holds sway in his mind are the chemicals that he thinks he needs to be okay.  I dislike telling you but I have given him a proposal, go back to treatment or I leave.  I will not accept a life of the hell you create for yourself.  I can't.  Even now, the medicine dulls the panic but I'm not okay.  I am solid in my truth though.  There will be no more tears, no yelling or fighting, no begging or pleading, I have nothing left to offer but quiet resolve.  And it is then,  when I am so powerless that I am so powerful.

I am not a blogger.

As you can tell,  I am not a blogger.   But I do like knowing I have a place to write.

  Today,  I read an article on the ways that we cheat on each other without ever having sex.  It has me thinking about my relationship with my husband.   It brings me to the fact that I feel cheated on.   While I am glad that he has people he can trust and talk to about what is going on in his life,  I feel cheated out of the some most intimate moments of what we are going through.  What is it about me (or more likely, him) that makes it easier to get vulnerable and emotionally intimate with others?   Supposedly,  I am his source of love, comfort, and support.   So,  where's my moment of shared feeling?  Where's my "I poured my heart out" emotionally vulnerable moment with the man of my life?   Here I sit broken by the last year or so, and all of the healing and understanding on his part  is happening with others.  I think I'm developing a resentment. Time to call my sponsor...